I can’t remember a time I didn’t want

to do something without thinking

if I could understand it more deeply

I could figure out how to feed it,

like that moment you learn

a fire needs less flame and more air

for it to become a fire.

I’ve never wanted to be a decider of anything,

unless I was deciding to be indecisive

for the sake of another beginning.

That’s why I’m having such a hard time

at this social gathering

I’m not sure I want to mentally figure skate

out of.

The frozen emotions in my head

I’ve attached my feelings to

know I’ve been attending parties like this

that aren’t my thing

in an effort to locate and define the silence

they arose from

without having to fall into a drink first,

since before I could remember.

There was that time at a dance

I stopped hopping over my third leg

under the spinning

disco projections and just closed my eyes

until I landed on a floor that felt like water,

where all I wanted was to undulate

in that floating mind-space until

I could sustain myself by that current,

like a wave that instinctively knows

how to give back to itself more of what it is

in order to help itself move forward,

but which just means it wants to remain a wave.