The blanket had secreted some sort of resin that had begun to disintegrate the bed, like the blood from an alien in one those “Alien” movies. I’d never talked to a blanket before, so I figured this was a good time as any. “Hi, I’m Reginald,” I said. I was half-expecting there’d be no response. “I’m Bertrand. Pleasure to meet you,” it said. “Something tells me you’re not telling me the truth,” I said. It put its hands on its hips and spit at me. I dodged it and spun around and somehow got around back of it. “You can’t touch me or you’ll disintegrate,” it said. “That’s what you think,” I said. I opened the window and jumped out of it, landing on the driveway below, barely missing Dan, my neighbor, who’s always outside sweeping. “Blanket problems?” He said. “How’d you know?” I said. He began to beat me over the head with his broom. “What are you doing?” I said. I could see the blanket looking out the upstairs window, watching. I grabbed the broom and threw it over the bushes. “How dare you throw my broom over the bushes!” He said. “You were just beating me with it!” I said. “Oh yeah,” he said, running around the bushes. “There’s plenty more where that came from,” he said. The blanket jumped out the window and tried to cover me. “Get away from me!” I said. “Hold him down, Bertrand!” Dan said. I noticed a can of Rust-Oleum on the steps and a charcoal lighter on the grill, and grabbed both. “I will end both of you,” I said. I positioned myself around them so I could line them up and take the leader out first without the follower being able to get around. “Get him, Ronald! He yelled. The maroon LeBaron stood up on it back tires and slowly cornered me against the house. “I got him, Ronald!” The house said. It had my arms. “Everybody stop!” I said. “No problem, we’re done,” Ronald said. The broom jumped back over the bush, and pinned me against the sidewalk. “They always fall for the playing done, trick,” it said. “Stand down, soldier! ” Dan said. The broom backed away and joined his companions. Someone had started a war without telling me. “Am I in a war?” I said. “You tell us, General. We’re just following your orders sir,” Ronald said. “My orders?” I said. “You told us this might happen, sir,” Reginald said. “What did I tell you?” I said. “You told us not to tell you what you told us,” Dan said. I stood up, dusted off my pants, and entered my body. It was good to be home.

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