Elves on Shelves Are Twisted

Merry Christmas, world, why not. The elves are on their stupid shelves and looking like a horror movie.

But you can’t tell me some little mushroom-cheeked punk showing up unblinking, unexpectedly, each time you turn on a light, even when you’re in the bathroom, the little perv, isn’t twisted,

isn’t a big pantaloon-covered and peppermint-striped middle finger twisting up and down simultaneously down like a creepy barber pole.

And besides, shelves were for books last I heard. Big, fat, sagging, hairy ones.