Dog Walkers

Michelle Delaney had been walking around downtown in her pajamas all day. Joe Benton said she came right up to him, put her big breasts in his face, and asked how he was doing. Marsha McFadden said she saw her moving from friend to friend down the street, throwing her rear end onto them. Ricky… Continue reading Dog Walkers

Coworkers

I tried to get through but my coworkers blocked me. I tried to go around and some of them shifted to the other side of the table and placed a couple of chairs in my way. “Let me just slide over the table,” I said. I sat on the table, but Wilma started spraying Windex… Continue reading Coworkers

Pants

Pants were walking down the street all by themselves, and some were throwing themselves onto the windshields of cars, and causing accidents. Patrick had gone down into his basement and retrieved his welder’s torch. “I’m not going out without a fight,” he said. “You’re an idiot,” I said. “You have no idea what you are… Continue reading Pants

Twinkies

The shopping cart was wheeling down the road. Kids had been playing pranks lately. Recently they’d caused a couple of car accidents and a message to parents had gone out over the local news to make sure their children were inside by a certain time every night. Department stores were locking their carts up outside… Continue reading Twinkies

Chicken

I was walking by the Paquette’s front lawn, when a chicken spontaneously combusted. The sound it made was horrible. I looked at the other chickens and waited. After about a minute I knocked on their door. Mr. Paquette, answered, eyeing me with suspicion. “I was walking by George, and one of your chickens exploded,” I… Continue reading Chicken

Platypus

My platypus was dancing with Barbara Walters. “You’re serious,” I said. “At least I can,” he said. He sat back on the couch and changed the channel. I wheeled into the living room and pulled up beside him. “Can I have the remote?” I said. He clicked it. “No,” he said. “You’ve had it all… Continue reading Platypus

Fish and Game

I was waiting outside the Fish & Game office for them to come out and get me for my interview when the fire alarm went off and everybody had to leave the building. Last week, I’d been outside the Human Resources office at Target waiting for an interview, when an announcement came over the intercom… Continue reading Fish and Game

Tiger

I was out for my daily run when I saw a tiger trying to eat a fire hydrant outside the bank. It must have liked something about what I was wearing, or maybe it was because I was running, but it let go of the fire hydrant and started to trot toward me. The mailman… Continue reading Tiger

Skunk

The skunk did its little tough walk through our backyard. It pretended not to care if it was in danger, and then, just before it reached the woods, it stopped, and looked back at me through the kitchen window, taunting me. I ran outside to meet the challenge. I got down on all fours and… Continue reading Skunk

Fly

I was just about to take a bite of my lobster roll when I heard a baby cry and I forgot what I was doing. “Everything all right with your dinner, sir?” the Chef said. “Everything’s just great,” I said. I went to take another bite of my lobster roll when a fly landed on… Continue reading Fly

Plant

A plant pulled out a gun and started shooting. There were bodies all over the place. It was covering all the exits out of the department store. I dove into a fountain. After about a minute I came back up for air. I looked around for it but I didn’t see it anywhere, so I… Continue reading Plant

Stones

I’ll Eat Your Face with a Wooden Spoon was the name of the Restaurant at the end of Pearly Street before the thing burned down, some say because of arson. Authorities had recently discovered the remains of tiny mechanical hand poking out of the rubble and ash. I went to take a look for myself… Continue reading Stones

Purple Hippos

Purple hippos were falling out of the sky. A tornado has sucked up the Purple Whirple Ice Cream Twist along with the lot of their ceramic, purple hippos surrounding the parking lot. They were coming down. One almost landed on Ronny. “If that landed on me, I would have been pissed,” he said. “I wish… Continue reading Purple Hippos

Lobsters

There was the green liver thing. I’d been eating it all night out of something like thirteen lobsters. I’d never eaten that many lobsters before. I’d been told the risks about downing the tomalley, but I never really thought being poisoned by it would happen to me. Nevertheless, a lobster and I were holding each… Continue reading Lobsters

Sinkhole

There was a hole in the world the size of Kentucky. I stood on the edge if it and looked down. “It’s like the Grand Canyon, only softer,” I said. “You’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, Danny,” Frank said. He got down on his butt and hung his legs over the edge. “Yeah, but… Continue reading Sinkhole

Gorgon

“You can’t save all of them,” I said. My brother was telling me how good an egg my half-sister was. Upholding the conditions of the custody settlement thirty-two years ago, I’d chosen, in agreement with the court, to refuse visiting my mother on account of her abusive behavior. My half-sister came a little later, and… Continue reading Gorgon